Do you ever find yourself wondering why confidence comes easily to some people but feels so elusive to you?
I’ve spent years working with parents and families as a cognitive behavior therapist, and I’ve learned one key truth: confidence is not an inborn talent—it's a skill that you can absolutely learn and grow.
Understand Your Self-Talk First
It all starts with your inner voice. That little voice inside your head either builds you up or tears you down. Many people don't even realize the impact their internal dialogue has on their daily life. If your internal voice is harsh or overly critical, you're not alone. I've seen countless parents struggle with negative self-talk, believing they're somehow "not enough." Changing this voice is crucial. You have to start challenging those thoughts directly.
Here's a simple strategy I've often recommended: every time a negative thought pops up, consciously replace it with something positive or more realistic. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm a terrible parent," replace it immediately with, "I'm learning and growing every day as a parent." This might seem trivial, but it’s incredibly effective. There's even a to-do list technique I've talked about before that can boost confidence by helping you see your accomplishments clearly.
Build Confidence Through Your Actions
Confidence is a funny thing. You can't just think your way into it. You have to act. Taking even small steps can prove to yourself that you're capable and competent. Start with things that make you slightly uncomfortable, not overwhelmingly so. Maybe it’s speaking up in a meeting or joining a parent group you've been hesitant to attend. Every small success builds on itself.
I’ve noticed that confidence grows fastest when we recognize our own progress. It's exactly why I strongly recommend keeping a daily record of things you’ve done well—what we call “Done Wells.” (Link Out To Daily Journal Product Here)
Let Go of Perfectionism
If there's one thing that consistently drains confidence, it's perfectionism. As Dr. Jason Selk often reminds us, perfectionism isn't about striving for excellence; it's a fear of failure. And when you're constantly afraid of failing, confidence never has room to grow.
Real confidence is rooted in self-acceptance and resilience. It’s about understanding that mistakes are part of the process. The goal isn’t to avoid mistakes entirely—it’s to handle them gracefully. For example, if you lose your temper with your child, acknowledge it openly and discuss it. This doesn't make you weak; it shows genuine strength and emotional intelligence.
Comparison Will Steal Your Confidence
It’s easy—too easy—to compare ourselves with others. Social media makes this worse. But remember, what you’re seeing is often just a curated highlight reel. You’re comparing your everyday struggles with someone else’s polished moments.
As Dr. Ellen Reed emphasizes, the antidote is self-awareness and gratitude. When you catch yourself comparing, immediately shift your focus to something you're genuinely grateful for about your own life or parenting style. Gratitude grounds you in reality and reminds you of your unique strengths.
Role Modeling Confidence to Your Family
One of the most powerful motivators I've observed among parents is the desire to set a good example for their kids. Confidence isn't just beneficial for you—it's crucial for your family. When your children see you handling challenges with calm confidence, it teaches them to do the same. It's an indirect yet powerful way of raising confident kids.
Another practical step I recommend is openly celebrating small wins as a family. Did your child handle a tough situation gracefully? Highlight it. Did you navigate a stressful day well? Celebrate it together. Confidence flourishes in environments of mutual support.
Develop Realistic Expectations
Another crucial part of building genuine confidence involves setting realistic expectations. Too often, I've watched parents set themselves up for failure with unrealistic goals. Achieving small, attainable goals regularly does far more for your confidence than occasional big wins. As I frequently remind my clients, consistent, small victories add up fast.
The Long-Term Impact of Confidence
Confidence isn't just about feeling good today. It's foundational for long-term mental health and well-being. Research consistently shows that developing genuine self-confidence positively influences your mental and physical health throughout life. I found this particularly compelling in a recent review by UC Davis, which highlighted how confidence directly contributes to resilience, happiness, and overall life satisfaction.
Taking the Next Step
Building confidence doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does require action. Start small, challenge negative thoughts, and celebrate your progress. If you're serious about boosting your confidence and seeing real, measurable results, consider making it part of your daily routine through structured journaling or a regular ritual designed specifically to build positive mental habits. (Show Product Carousel for the Daily Ritual or Daily Journal here)
Most importantly, remember: becoming confident is an ongoing process. It's not about being perfect—it's about embracing the journey of growth every single day.
References
- "Tips to Improve Your Self-esteem." Mind, www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem. Accessed 20 Mar. 2025.
- "Research Review Shows Self-esteem Has Long-term Benefits." UC Davis, www.ucdavis.edu/curiosity/news/research-review-shows-self-esteem-has-long-term-benefits. Accessed 20 Mar. 2025.